1 00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:04,713 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,175 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,428 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,681 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:18,018 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:21,522 Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,190 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,650 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:29,947 He's a family guy 10 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,620 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous, 11 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,580 homosexual gynecologist. 12 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,707 Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look. 13 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,586 Ew! It looks like a sad, old man. 14 00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,129 Hey, check it out, you guys, 15 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,965 I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. 16 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,133 Look, look, I took a picture of Lois's poo. 17 00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,221 Oh, that's hilarious, you should e-mail that to me. 18 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,014 Hey, did you guys see the game last night? 19 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,432 Oh, yeah. 20 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:59,142 That offensive line is outstanding. 21 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,978 Yeah, you should e-mail me that picture. 22 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:04,064 - Hey, boys! - What the hell are you guys doing here? 23 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,608 Oh, we just decided to have a little girls' night out. 24 00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:09,027 Yeah, you guys talk about this place all the time, 25 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:11,113 we figured we'd give it a try. 26 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:13,657 Bernice, we haven't really been dating long enough 27 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:16,243 for you to be hanging out with my friends' wives. 28 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,036 - Shut up, Cleveland. - Okay. 29 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,372 Ooh, oh, check it out, girls! 30 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:22,040 Jukebox! Huh? 31 00:01:22,124 --> 00:01:23,375 Hey, you guys want to dance? 32 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:26,503 - Yeah, totally! - Hell yeah! 33 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:31,425 I will survive, I will survive 34 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,427 Oh, my God, this sucks! 35 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:36,346 The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women. 36 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,641 This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie. 37 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:41,685 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black 38 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,854 in The Unconventional Butler. 39 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,106 Edgar, could you bring me some tea? 40 00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,108 Yeah! 41 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:51,403 - Yeah! - Wait a minute. 42 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:54,281 Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered. 43 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,658 This guy's screaming and waving his arms around! 44 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:59,494 You're an old man! You don't understand the young people. 45 00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:01,955 You're right, I'll change from now on. 46 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:07,252 Oh my God, that was so much fun! 47 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,879 You know, boys, 48 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,631 we just might make this our regular spot. 49 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:17,346 - Peter. Peter? - Yeah, sorry, Joe, I, uh, 50 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,556 just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments. 51 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,225 It's the best show you're not watching. 52 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,893 I hate shows that cut away 53 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,479 from the story for some bull crap. 54 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:31,610 Fellas, our way of life is being threatened, 55 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,195 and we gotta do something about it. 56 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,197 Couldn't we just ask the women to leave? 57 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,033 No, no. I got something way more expensive 58 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,701 and time-consuming in mind. 59 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:43,205 Well, men, the Quahog Men's Club is complete. 60 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:46,208 It took six weeks and cost $8,000, 61 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,876 but it was worth it. 62 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,711 Peter, I wish you'd get rid of this thing. 63 00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:52,422 - It's an absolute eyesore. - What do you care, Lois? 64 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,967 You girls got the Clam, we got the Quahog Men's Club. 65 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,885 Besides, we're not hurting anybody. 66 00:02:56,969 --> 00:02:58,470 What are you talking about? 67 00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:00,889 You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house! 68 00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,683 What is this? 69 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,434 There's something wrong with the house! 70 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,687 I don't like change! 71 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:08,814 Peter, you can't just slap together 72 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,357 flimsy structures in the yard. 73 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,859 Why not? Herbert did it. 74 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:14,278 Y-M-C-A 75 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,029 It's fun to stay at the 76 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:19,032 Y-M-C-A 77 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,909 Mm. 78 00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:25,539 All right, Peter, this is a tough one. 79 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:26,957 All right, are you ready for this? 80 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,251 Okay, would you have sex with Cleveland 81 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,753 if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie? 82 00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:34,006 Uh... 83 00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:35,424 Yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it. 84 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,009 Hang on, hang on... Missionary. 85 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,094 And you have to look him in the eye. 86 00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:41,638 No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else. 87 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,223 I think still yes. 88 00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:44,474 Thank you, Peter. 89 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:45,851 All right, here's another one. 90 00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,436 Who would you rather have sex with? 91 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,438 A very pregnant Gina Gershon 92 00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:51,481 or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident? 93 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,275 Wait, hang on, hang on... 94 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,068 Look, you know, I know this is a men's club, 95 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,154 but why does it always have to be about sex? 96 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,323 Like, okay, look, how about this, how about this: 97 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,867 who would you rather start a small business with, 98 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,077 Janet Reno after a safari, 99 00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:05,871 or the fat guy from My Name is Earl? 100 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:09,082 - That still sounds like a sex question. - It is not. 101 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:11,084 Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it? 102 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,336 What's the guy from Earl's credit rating? 103 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,671 - 651. - That's not bad. 104 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,007 - Better than mine. - Does he have an idea, 105 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,218 or do I have to come up with it myself? 106 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,136 He's got an idea, but it's not quite there. 107 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:22,930 I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, 108 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,681 'cause I've always had this business plan 109 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,558 for home delivery of prescription medications, 110 00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:28,143 and that seems like it's more her market. 111 00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:29,436 This is stupid! 112 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,271 I want to talk about vaginas! 113 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,113 Well, I'd say the men's club inaugural ball 114 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,740 is a huge success. 115 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,325 Hey, guys, let's play a party game. 116 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,701 Let's go stand over near Brian, 117 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,119 and we'll take a drink 118 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,913 every time he says "bonerific." 119 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,290 - Bonerific? - Yeah, it's his catchphrase. 120 00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:52,042 - He says it all the time. - Yeah, sure, I'm in. 121 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,377 - Okay. - Yeah, let's do it! 122 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,715 Hey, hey, Brian, how you feeling tonight? 123 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,051 Good. Having a nice time. 124 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,970 Are you feeling terrific, 125 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,930 or any variation on that word? 126 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,557 Oh, sure. No complaints. 127 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,141 My skin's a little dry. 128 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:10,269 He's not saying it, Peter. 129 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:13,605 What? 130 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,190 - No. 131 00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,567 Why would I say that? It's not even a word. 132 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,610 - What isn't a word? - Bonerific. 133 00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:20,529 - Ah! - Ah! 134 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,030 Did I tell you? 135 00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:24,366 You can't keep this guy from saying it! 136 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,910 - Boy, great party, huh, Fred? - Yeah. 137 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,038 You know, Barn, I figure I ought to tell you this. 138 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,624 I was walking by your house the other day, 139 00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,793 and, uh, I poked my head in the window 140 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:36,628 and Betty was undressing. 141 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,214 Uh, she saw me there, but she didn't stop. 142 00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:41,008 - What? - She didn't stop. 143 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,260 I mean, she saw me there, 144 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,012 looking at her, and she kept undressing. 145 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:46,513 Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you serious? 146 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,639 Yeah. 147 00:05:47,723 --> 00:05:49,308 I got an erocktion. 148 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,976 I got a headache. 149 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:53,061 - Do you have any Anacin? - Any what? 150 00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:54,730 - Anacin? - Yeah, Anacin. 151 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,315 Do they even make Anacin anymore? 152 00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,233 Yeah, it's still around. Why? 153 00:05:58,317 --> 00:06:00,110 No, it just seems like sort of a '70s medication. 154 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,446 - So, you don't have any Anacin? - No. 155 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,615 God, you're more worthless than Colin Farrell. 156 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,116 So, uh... 157 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,035 Got the wool cap on, huh? 158 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,078 Yeah, yeah, I guess, you know, 159 00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:11,914 whatever, it's 96 degrees out. 160 00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,540 Yeah, you'd better put on the old wool cap. 161 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,000 Yeah. 162 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,211 You got a lot going on under there, yeah? 163 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,630 Under... Under the wool cap? 164 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,924 Thinking about your sideburns? 165 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:24,676 Yeah. No, no, no, no, you're not a complete jackass. 166 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,386 Yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. 167 00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:28,555 "Phresh" and it... and it's spelled with a "P-H." 168 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:31,517 Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F." 169 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,478 Yeah. Oh, you got a little tear in your pants, there... 170 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,271 Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it? 171 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,690 Oh, yeah, yeah, you're a bad boy. 172 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,108 You're a bad boy. 173 00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,402 Society wants your pants to be intact, 174 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,404 but you're just not gonna listen, are you? 175 00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,031 My God, this is ridiculous. 176 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,033 I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to kill you. 177 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,788 All right, one more pre-party drink, 178 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,331 and then we'll head off to the Clam. 179 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,458 It's cheaper to drink at your house first. 180 00:06:57,626 --> 00:07:00,087 Boy, they sure are making a lot of noise out there. 181 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,755 Those idiots have done nothing 182 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:04,383 but hang out in that stupid shed for the last two days. 183 00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:05,759 We should crash that party. 184 00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:08,387 Hey, you know what, Bernice is right. 185 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,264 They're always trying to get away from us. 186 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,765 We should march in there 187 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,433 and remind them that they have wives. 188 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,727 Especially if they have food, 189 00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:17,729 because bar food is so overpriced. 190 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,065 Man, who invited Anne Frank? 191 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,111 Quagmire, tell that story 192 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,863 about the girl with the inside-out anus. 193 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,365 - Oh, you mean Blossom? - Oh, that's a great story. 194 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,909 All right, so I'm skulking around the intensive care unit, 195 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:32,786 and all of sudden this smoking hot chick... 196 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:35,831 Hey, boys! Mind if we join the party? 197 00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:38,458 - Sorry, Lois, no girls allowed. - Oh, come on, Peter. 198 00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:40,127 It'd be good to have some chicks in here. 199 00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:42,838 Quagmire, you nuts? This is a men's club. 200 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:45,591 There's the problem. The ratio be terrible. 201 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,801 It's a total mast-fest in here. 202 00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:49,469 Yeah, this is sort of lame. 203 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,138 Well, we can fix that. 204 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,598 Come on, girls, let's dance! 205 00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:57,352 - Hey, hey, hey, stop it! 206 00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:59,188 You women can't dance in here! 207 00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:02,232 Well, I know two people who'll take my side on this. 208 00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,151 The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing. 209 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,861 Right, guys? 210 00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,988 Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it. 211 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,157 Oh! 212 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,243 What's the matter, Bonnie? 213 00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,453 Don't you want to dance? 214 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,163 Oh, it's okay, Joe. 215 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,956 I don't mind sitting here with you. 216 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,833 What I mean is... 217 00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,668 I don't want to hold you back. 218 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:23,420 Don't be silly, honey. 219 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,380 It's just as nice watching other people have fun. 220 00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:28,050 God, I hate being handicapped. 221 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,635 Sometimes I feel more useless 222 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:30,969 than the head of the Maid's Union. 223 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,430 And what exactly are your demands? 224 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,432 We need more Lemon Pledge. 225 00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,309 You need more Lemon Pledge? 226 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,727 Yes. 227 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,312 We're not responsible for that. 228 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,563 You should just bring it from your own home. 229 00:08:41,647 --> 00:08:43,440 No. 230 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:48,695 Hello. 231 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,948 Oh, hi, Lois. 232 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,325 Yeah, last night was fun. 233 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,828 Oh, it's okay, I'm used to not dancing. 234 00:08:56,912 --> 00:09:01,291 I mean, I knew what to expect after, you know, Joe's accident, 235 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:04,795 and I'm... I'm prepared to live the rest of my life this way. 236 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,296 Poor Bonnie. 237 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,549 She deserves so much better than me. 238 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:11,301 God, she must regret this marriage. 239 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:14,763 If only there was some way for me to walk again. 240 00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:16,765 Wait a minute, what am I saying? 241 00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:18,350 There's nothing wrong with me. 242 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,352 I'm no different than any other guy! 243 00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:22,855 Joe, would you put on your hand-shoes 244 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,731 and take out the garbage? 245 00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:28,360 Thank you. 246 00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:38,704 Hey, thanks for coming with me, Peter. 247 00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,289 It sure would be wonderful 248 00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:42,749 if Dr. Hartman could help me walk again. 249 00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,710 I'm sorry, Mayor McCheese, 250 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:47,296 but I'm not sure if any cosmetic surgery is even possible. 251 00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:48,672 Look, if it's a financial issue... 252 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,965 It's not an issue of money, 253 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,341 your head is a cheeseburger. 254 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:52,759 There's no blood flow to it. 255 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,469 It's just, it's just dead cow meat. 256 00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:56,096 All right, well, 257 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,598 I appreciate you giving it to me straight. 258 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,474 All right, then, have a tasty afternoon. 259 00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,935 - Ah, there's a smile. 260 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:03,854 So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson? 261 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,606 Doc, I can't take it anymore. 262 00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:08,609 I want to walk again. I'll do whatever it takes. 263 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:11,320 Well, there is a highly experimental new procedure. 264 00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:13,447 It's essentially a leg transplant. 265 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:14,990 If you'd be willing to sign a waiver, 266 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,742 I think I may be able to help you. 267 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,160 You know, when you talk, 268 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:19,703 you sound, a lot like my father-in-law, 269 00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:20,996 - Carter Pewterschmidt. - Oh, that's funny. 270 00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,247 He's a patient of mine. 271 00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:23,874 Here's my urine sample, Doctor. 272 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,084 - Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt. - Oh, hi, Peter. 273 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,377 You know, Peter says we sound alike. 274 00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:28,795 Really? I don't hear it. 275 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:29,880 Actually, I think I do hear it now. 276 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,590 - Really? - Yeah, you know, 277 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:32,966 we've never really had any extended interactions, 278 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,134 so I've never noticed it. 279 00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:35,677 Hey, I think I hear it, too. 280 00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,346 Seems lazy, doesn't it? 281 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,805 Well, there's only so many voices in the world. 282 00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:40,307 Some of them are bound to be similar. 283 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,975 Now, Mr. Swanson, 284 00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:43,602 through the magic of digital imaging, 285 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,270 we'll select the legs most suited to your body 286 00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:47,189 from our inventory of donors. 287 00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:58,158 - Hey, what about these? - Ah, good choice. 288 00:10:58,242 --> 00:10:59,952 These are the only ones we have in stock 289 00:11:00,035 --> 00:11:01,995 - that aren't hilarious. - I'll take 'em! 290 00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:04,915 Ah, Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs 291 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,625 on vacation in Ethiopia. 292 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,627 Ah, this is fantastic! 293 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,004 This is even better than they said it was in the brochure! 294 00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,214 Oh, I feel like a pig, 295 00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,632 but, come on, we're on vacation! 296 00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:14,925 Exactly, don't hate yourself, 297 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,134 we're on vacation, right? 298 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:17,386 Yeah, I hear Madonna 299 00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:18,637 is raising this guy's kid. 300 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,722 Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson, 301 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:22,641 and let the anesthetic do its job. 302 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,518 - All right, Doc, I trust you. - Good. 303 00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,645 Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video, 304 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,939 - and we'll get started. - What? 305 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,691 Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, 306 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,193 and you're aboutto perform leg surgery. 307 00:11:33,277 --> 00:11:35,362 No! 308 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:41,368 He's been in there an awful long time. 309 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,287 I hope everything's all right. 310 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:46,081 Gentlemen, I give you... 311 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,250 the new Joe Swanson. 312 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,298 - Oh! 313 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,133 Well, what do you think? 314 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,051 - Oh, honey! - Oh, my God, you look great, Joe! 315 00:11:58,135 --> 00:11:59,344 - Oh, that is fantastic! - Holy crap! 316 00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,430 They still got that new leg smell. 317 00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:03,515 I put his old legs in a bag if you want them. 318 00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:04,641 Oh, great. You know what? 319 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,101 We'll take them home, we'll give them to Brian. 320 00:12:06,185 --> 00:12:07,895 Come on, Joe, I'll drive you home. 321 00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,563 Are you kidding? 322 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,523 I've got working legs for the first time 323 00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:13,650 in 15 years, and I'm gonna use them. 324 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:14,943 I'm walking home! 325 00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:16,695 I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson. 326 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,739 Hospital rules... you have to leave in a wheelchair. 327 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:30,918 Oh, Joe, that was amazing. 328 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,920 I know. I was there. 329 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,631 My God, we haven't done it in so long, 330 00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:38,217 I'd forgotten how big you were. 331 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,761 I was gonna say the same thing to you. 332 00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,725 Coming this fall on Fox, a new reality show... 333 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:49,436 Who Wants To Marry Corky From Life Goes On? 334 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,731 You won't believe what happens! 335 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:56,235 - Come on, guys, let's go! - Go? Where we going? 336 00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:59,071 Listen, these new legs have given me my life back. 337 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,365 I want to do all the things I could never do 338 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,574 when I was handicapped. 339 00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:04,535 And you guys are my best friends. 340 00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:06,411 I want you to experience it all with me. 341 00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,372 You can count on us, Joe. 342 00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:14,253 Oh, this is great! 343 00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:16,588 I feel so alive! Come on, ladies! 344 00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:18,757 Kick your high heels off and get moving! 345 00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,467 You guys are a disgrace! 346 00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:22,427 Peter, this doesn't seem safe. 347 00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,012 Yeah, I'm afraid I might... 348 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:30,644 Oh. Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man. 349 00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:31,812 Everybody gets one. 350 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:33,272 Tell him, Peter. 351 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,481 Uh, apparently, everybody gets one. 352 00:13:34,565 --> 00:13:35,607 Bingo. 353 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,239 I don't know about this, Joe. 354 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,324 There is no fear in this dojo! 355 00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:46,535 Joe, we-we don't even know what a dojo is. 356 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,328 There is no mercy in this dojo! 357 00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:50,539 Joe, why don't you take it down a notch? 358 00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,082 No mercy! 359 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:02,885 All right, we're gonna do it once more. 360 00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,430 And this time, no mistakes! 361 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,432 One, two, three, four! 362 00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:12,060 Good mornin', good mornin' 363 00:14:12,144 --> 00:14:14,229 It's greatto stay up late 364 00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:17,274 Good mornin',good mornin' to you 365 00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:21,153 When the bandbegan to play 366 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,447 The stars wereshining bright 367 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,490 But now the milkman's on his way 368 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,492 It's too late to say good night 369 00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:29,119 So say good mornin' 370 00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:30,621 Ah! Good mornin'! 371 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,497 Sunbeams will soon smile through 372 00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:35,083 Good mornin', good mornin' to you 373 00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:37,169 Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana 374 00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:38,879 In the mornin',in the morn-- 375 00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:40,797 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were still going. 376 00:14:43,175 --> 00:14:45,469 My God, Joe is running us ragged. 377 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:46,929 Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted 378 00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,430 since I had that job 379 00:14:48,514 --> 00:14:50,849 as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper. 380 00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:53,310 A pallet? Am I... Am I reading this right? 381 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,355 You need a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels? 382 00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:58,315 Where the hell am I supposed to... 383 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,901 And what is this? A drum of grape jam? 384 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,986 Is that... What is that? 385 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:06,031 Is that like a drum like they ship oil in? Is that... 386 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,282 And look at this one... 387 00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,617 "A desk of Cheez-Its." 388 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,577 A desk? 389 00:15:10,661 --> 00:15:12,829 Where-where are you getting these units of measurement from? 390 00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,623 - Mary. 391 00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,333 That is still funny. 392 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,169 Okay, you stay right here, big funny gal. 393 00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:22,798 I'll be right back with a "hammock of cake." 394 00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,424 Yeah, "Dave Matthews Live." 395 00:15:24,508 --> 00:15:26,677 I'll burn you a copy. Stay cool. 396 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,720 Hey, Joe. What you got there? 397 00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:29,847 Mountain bike. 398 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,348 Oh, Joe, I-I don't know. 399 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,975 I'm still chafed from that power walk. 400 00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:34,768 Both of my inner thighs look 401 00:15:34,852 --> 00:15:36,436 like those big cherry Swedish Fish. 402 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,563 Don't worry. 403 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:38,897 I'm not taking you pansies. 404 00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:40,440 I'm taking my new friends. 405 00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,860 This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland. 406 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,486 Is Portland the Black one? 407 00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:45,946 Portland is the Black one. 408 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,073 Joe, what the... What the hell is this? 409 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:51,243 Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days, 410 00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,412 the only reason I hung out with you guys 411 00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:55,956 is that I was crippled and you were lazy. 412 00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:57,833 I decided it's time I got some friends 413 00:15:57,916 --> 00:15:59,501 more suited to my status. 414 00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:01,461 But, Joe, we've been friends for years. 415 00:16:01,545 --> 00:16:03,881 Hey, we all make mistakes. 416 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,674 Come on, dudes, let's go exercise. 417 00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,259 - Exercise! - Yeah! 418 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,678 I'm gonna do sit-ups till I poop myself! 419 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,013 I can't believe it. 420 00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,724 Joe just dumped us. He's gone. 421 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:17,060 And all we got to remember him by are his old legs. 422 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,104 - Okay, okay. 423 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,611 Peter, I wish you'd go over there 424 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:27,279 and patch things up with Joe. 425 00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:29,198 Hey, screw him, Lois. He doesn't need us anymore 426 00:16:29,281 --> 00:16:31,241 now that he's got his cool, new friends. 427 00:16:31,325 --> 00:16:34,161 I tell you, those legs have turned him into a complete jerk. 428 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:37,289 It's like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park. 429 00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,416 - How is that? - How is what? 430 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,419 How is it anything like a monkey having the keys 431 00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:45,005 - to an amusement park? - I don't know. 432 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,924 The hours would be erratic. 433 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,384 Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree. 434 00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:52,846 The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas. 435 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,389 Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? 436 00:16:54,473 --> 00:16:56,058 I'm... I'm... Just go with it. 437 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,685 Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy. 438 00:16:58,769 --> 00:17:01,813 Well, Peter, there have been a lot of changes in Joe's life, 439 00:17:01,897 --> 00:17:04,107 and maybe he just needed to move on. 440 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:07,110 If I were you, I'd look for a new friend. 441 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,612 A kindred spirit, 442 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,031 like Judas found in Pontius Pilate. 443 00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,492 You know, sometimes I feel like someone should just... 444 00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:15,619 BOTH: ...Crucify Jesus of Nazareth. 445 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,954 - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! 446 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,622 - Shut up! - No, you shut up! 447 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,874 - I'm Judas. - Pontius. 448 00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:23,168 This is so weird, because just today, I was thinking about 449 00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:24,962 how I wanted to find the son of God 450 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:26,421 and nail him to some wood. 451 00:17:26,505 --> 00:17:28,507 Well, let's go find him and kick his ass! 452 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:29,758 That sounds swell! 453 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,265 I think I'll go for a walk outside now 454 00:17:36,348 --> 00:17:38,392 The summer sun's calling my name 455 00:17:41,270 --> 00:17:43,063 So, do you really think you're suited 456 00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,524 to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington? 457 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,235 Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth 458 00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:50,195 and crack jokes, but you're kind of a buzz kill. 459 00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:51,947 Oh, on the contrary. 460 00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:54,366 I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn. 461 00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,953 Do any of you know the tale 462 00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:00,038 of how cornmeal came to be? 463 00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,373 - No. - No. 464 00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:03,584 - Uh-uh, no. - Neither did the miller 465 00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,377 when he left his house that morning. 466 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,504 Aah! 467 00:18:07,588 --> 00:18:09,965 We got to get Joe back. 468 00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:16,889 Joe, please, can't we talk about this? 469 00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:18,265 There's nothing to talk about. 470 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,766 I've outgrown you, Bonnie. 471 00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:21,685 I need to spread my legs and fly. 472 00:18:23,979 --> 00:18:26,148 Keep the kid. 473 00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,775 It was awful. I mean, he just left Bonnie. 474 00:18:28,859 --> 00:18:30,819 And then the bastard completely blew me off 475 00:18:30,903 --> 00:18:32,696 to hang out with those new douche bags. 476 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,531 Peter, we got to do something. 477 00:18:34,615 --> 00:18:35,782 You're right, Cleveland. 478 00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:37,784 Boys, there's only one answer. 479 00:18:37,868 --> 00:18:40,329 We got to re-cripple Joe. 480 00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:43,624 It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler. 481 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,838 See? We had a plan for that all along. 482 00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:55,594 Bye, new awesome friends! 483 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:57,221 Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex. 484 00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,431 Yo, Joe. 485 00:18:59,515 --> 00:19:01,350 What the hell you doing here, pansy? 486 00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,644 We're gonna break your legs, Joe. 487 00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:05,729 It's for your own good. 488 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,981 Come on, guys, get him! 489 00:19:45,686 --> 00:19:47,062 All right, then. 490 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:49,481 Bonnie! What the hell? 491 00:19:49,565 --> 00:19:51,191 Put my gun down! 492 00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:54,319 Not until I have my husband back! 493 00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:56,446 Aah! My perfect ass! 494 00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:58,615 Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. 495 00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:00,409 I was aiming for your spine. 496 00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:02,119 Aah! Damn it! 497 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,412 Joe, I'm so sorry. 498 00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:05,998 I'm a terrible shot. 499 00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:09,084 Oh, for God's sakes, just give me the gun! 500 00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:10,878 I'll do it myself! 501 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,885 Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other. 502 00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:20,304 You know, I just want to take this opportunity 503 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:21,889 to apologize to you guys. 504 00:20:21,972 --> 00:20:24,641 I was acting like a first-class jackass. 505 00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:27,436 I hope that you can forgive me. 506 00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:30,314 Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back. 507 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,232 And once our injuries heal up, 508 00:20:32,316 --> 00:20:34,526 we can all go for a nice, long walk. 509 00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:36,612 All right! Yeah! 510 00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:37,738 Wait a minute! 511 00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:38,864 ALL: Ah! 512 00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:45,120 Joke's on you 513 00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,080 Heh, heh, heh-heh, heh